scriptures of a wandering soul

disappointed ingrato.

2007-08-31T00:46:00.000+08:00

i am one ungrateful selfish asshole.

more than once i've ask for more than what can be given and yet more than once i got disappointed.

it pisses me off especially that i know that they are going gaga trying to give what i have demanded yet being ungrateful as i am, i never cared about the efforts. i never gave a damn to what they went through. i hate myself for that.

yet here i am, irritated to the bones knowing that i'll never get what i want. fuck. im so used to empty promises that i dont even expect anything.

yet here i am again. disappointed. i think it's man's nature to expect and believe. i hate hoping. the happy feeling of being able to get what you want is not worth it for the disappointment you'll have to pay after knowing you can't get it.

oh well... fuck

pissed off

2007-02-17T02:10:00.000+08:00

i am so pissed off. dammit. i just came from the fair here in UP. i never planned to go but a few folks texted me to come. pakshet. ewan ko ba. naaasar ako. hindi ko alam kung bakit ako pinapunta dun. i know i'm not the best nor even a good company. hindi ako ang tipong gustong makasama ng mga tao. im annoying. peste ako. gets ko naman yun. ilang peste lang ang nakakatiis sa akin. kala ko, sila yun. hindi ata. over sensitive ako ngayon kaya kung may masktan man ako sa sasabihin ko eh pasensyahan nalang. feeling ko, kaya lang ako inaya ng group mate ko na pumunta sa fair eh para lang hindi sya maguilty na magmumukmok ako sa room (gumagawa ng plate) habang nagpapakasaya sya. pakingshet. kala ko okay na kami. bat parang pakiramdam ko eh ginagamit lang ako? sorry. napipikon talaga ako. nalublob sa putik ang paa ko habang papunta doon dahil ayoko silang pag antayin. bumili pa tuloy ako ng mineral water para panghugas sa kulay tae kong paa na na sawsaw sa mamasamasang putik ng sunken. ng malinis na, ang daratnan ko lang pala ay ilang kaibigan tas yung nagyaya sakin, ayun, sumama sa bf nya. hindi naman sa pinagkakait ko na magkasama sila. hindi kasi ganun ang mga kaibigan ko. ke mag syota kayo, pag lakad ng magkakaibigan, grupo kayo, walang kupal na magsosolo. naiwan tuloy kaming tatlo nila karen at tol. ayos naman kasama yung dalawa pero hindi naman kasi sila yung nagyaya sakin. pakiramdam ko talaga ay hindi ako gusto kasama ng mga tao. shet. di sana hindi kayo nagyaya. tapos ko na sana ang plate namin ngayon. may matinong tulog sana ako at hindi ko sana naramdaman na napakasama at nakakairitang tao ako. alam ko nayun pero mas masakit pag sinusubukan mong makibagay sa mga taong hindi ka naman gets. badtrip talaga. tapos wala akong karapatang magalit dahil ako lang naman yung nagsusumiksik ng sarili ko. ewan ko ba. hindi ko naman gustong ipagsiksikan ang sarili ko pero wala akong magagawa. yun yung dapat kong gawin. hindi ako madaling saktan. pero hindi din impossible na gawin yun. i build layers of walls, gates, fortresses, citadels, moats at lahat ng depensang maiisip mo. you can’t hurt me if you don’t mean a thing to me. obviously, nakapasok na sila. ang problema, sanay ang mga pakshet na nasa labas. sanay silang tinitibag ako mula sa labas. hindi ata nila napapansin na nasaloob na sila at damdamin ko na ang tinitibag nila. tangina.

Congrats. NASAKTAN NYO NA AKO! Happy?oh well. atleast mapapalayas ko na sila sa loob. buti nalang . kaso nasanay na ako na nasa loob sila. paking shet. nakaya ko na maging magisa at kaya ko parin. pagbigyan nyo na ako ngayon. grumpy lang ako. Asar talo eh.tangina nyo!

sorry ulit. palampasin nyo na to.

ha!

2006-09-17T04:07:00.000+08:00

remember my second chaotic event? ha! i passed! i never thaought id pass that fucking exam.

chaos

2006-08-27T10:47:00.000+08:00

i had 30 mins of sleep last thursday night. i spent the night in mcdonalds to review for an exam on structural. i did quite well, for the review. i really felt awesome that morning.

i said to myself, nothing is gonna ruin my day.

i spoke too soon.

around 4:45, i left the fastfood to get a jeep to my dormitory. it opens around 5:00 but it's a 20 min ride from where i was.

the jeep waited for other passengers, (i was the first)

and this was my first test

i had to wait an hour. that means i got to the dormitory, around 6:05. my exam starts at 7:00. and i have no sleep. i took a nap for 30 mins then i rushed to my exam.

the exam was second

the first part was pretty easy but the second test was bullshit. it was not hard but i was just too careless. i got the wrong reaction so all of my answers are wrong. that was why i was blaming myself.

then i went to the shopping center with a very close friend. we had to print and photocopy the sigsheet i made for the org. it was due decades ago.

then the third test.

God must be really testing the one thing i really, really lack. patience. another waiting test and another hour.

i went to the dorm with my friend to pick up somethings for an event that night. it's a pageant for straight guys- as girls. don't worry i was not a contender. as i went to the dorm, i had to pass by a friends room. he was the one who planned what our contestants are gonna wear.

the fourth chaotic event.

he told me he has to go home in bulacan. though he promised that he'd be back by five, i was not sure what will gonna happen with their clothes. he told me what to do but because i have no sense in those kind of things, i did not understand.

i went to our tambayan and saw a good number of our members. i can't tell them what to do so we sent an sms to my friend who was supposedly going to bulacan. he told them what to do. and based on the short instructions, we tried working. a great thing happened because my friend suddenly sent an sms saying he wont be going home hurray!

so every body was busy and all until the pageant came. it was fun.

we went home around 11:00 pm and that was the fifth and last.

and yes, it was a test of patience. we had to wait for a jeep.

as i went to sleep, i thought about it, well, i still felt god for that day.

i told you, nothing is gonna ruin my day.

sick of you

2006-08-21T21:51:00.000+08:00

Drnk antibiotc
myb amoxicilin or
cefalexin tke it 3x a day. Dnt
drnk cold wtr no
sweets. Rest rest.

im sick. got a fever running and i dont know what to do...
this was one of my futile attempts to get her attention. well, i wasn't expecting anything anyway. i was on the brink of collapsing because of my burning temperature when i sent the message. i guess i just did it because somehow, i feel better that she knows im dying. well i may not be dying but i really felt like one. although i never knew how it felt.

after sending my sos signal, i fell asleep.

after a few hours, i woke up. my phone's blinking. yes i got a message. i forgot i sent her a message. i wasn't expecting to see her name on my phone.

i suddenly felt better. better than ever.

and that was her message.

i smiled. she would've killed me when she finds out. during my sick days, i ate chocolates and drank cold water. i dont think she knows that im that kind of guy. but somehow, i wish she knew. that would be nice.

then i got better. physically.

since i got that message, i had been thinking about her. it would have been better to just stay sick than be healthy. i dont like this feeling.

i hate missing somebody.
i hate the feeling of loneliness because i cant see her.
i hate it.

i hate being sick of you.

0.266667

2006-08-12T01:49:00.000+08:00

8 out of 30. yes folks. i got an eight out of thirty for a unit test in history, criticism and theory. funny because i was kinda glad. i was expecting a zero. well i have a good excuse. one: i had slept for only an hour before the test. and yup, i was late. i had to finish a plate on design the night before so i didnt had the chance to glance at my friend's photocopied work. i dont take notes. i prefer to listen. the exam by the way was the type where you're supposed to memorize all this terms and events. shit. im not the memorizing type. why would i memorize something that sooner or later, i would forget? if i was asked to memorize a poem for a play, what use will be the poemtof me after the play? if i were asked to memorize some 5 pages of notes on western architecture, what will be its use to me after the test? after i graduate? well, of course there would be a use. but the condition is that i remember it. which is most likely not gonna happen. there would be a possibility that some actually stays inside this head but then again it might not.

after giving invalid reasons for the stupid score i got. i wil now try my best to convince you that i am perfectly okay.

im okay.

convinced?

I know. maybe im not.

i just found out that i am pushy for most people. i do not understand this. fine. i am denying the fact that i am pushy. they told me that i push them to do things they dont want to do. shit. have you guys ever thought of how you treat me? considering i am not an entity in your perspective, dont you think that it is justifiable that i act this way? by the way. i also found out that i give out this superiority complex to anybody i meet. how dare you compare me to all of you. i do not believe that i am superior to anybody for that matter. i may be better than you in some or most fields but i never said that i was or am superior. but what can i do? it is you who think that i think that i am superior.

im not superior.

im different.

yes. i agree with everyone. i am denying my existence as human. i may be indeed a fertilizer or something far worse. i may even deny my existence. it does no matter. as long as i am different from you. i would never want to be like anybody. yes. it sounds like i feel superior than anyone but its not.

im just different.

thank God.

fuck. why does it have to be written in the stars

2006-07-16T14:12:00.000+08:00

2:25pm
i saw sex and the city last night. i slept late.
now, i have to finish drawing 20 images on construction. i got 4 done so thats sixteen to go.

2:26
i got the chance to use the net. wow.

2:28
went to tickle.com and thried one of their test. having sex in the city in my mind, i tried a test called: the zodiac match test. well, its worth a try. i dont really believ in this kind of crap but hey, nothing to loose (except for a little golden thingy-time). as i go over the questions, she came to my mind. shit. not now.

2:29
why am i hoping my best match wii turn up to be a sagittarian? well for one, she is sagittarian. shit. well all i can do is hope. fuck

2:32
im waiting for this computer to load my test results. why am i hoping? im supposed to be a pessimistic. damn.

2:33
sagittarius

at this exact moment, time stopped.
i smiled.
i laughed.
then i stopped.
so what if a sguittarian is my best match?
we wont be together because of that.
shit.
funny thing is, i new from the start that she's my best match. i was just too stupid to realize that before i took the test. its not really written in the stars. i can be a perfect match for anybody and so can she. its just that i dont want any body.

i want her.
whatever her sign is.

then i wondered. how can i make her take the damn test? will a taurus match her?

nah.
that wont matter.

2:33
time went on and here i am. hoping.
fuck.

kulangot ka ba sa pader?

2006-07-03T22:14:00.000+08:00

Me mga taong makakasalubong tayo habang dumadaan tayo sa landas na tinatawag na buhay.
sa mga makakasalubong natin, yung ilan, sasabay sa paglakad at pagtakbo. yung ilan pipigilan tayo.
hehe. topak ako ngayon.
dun sa ilang sasabay sa atin, hindi natin alam kung hanggang kelan sila sasabay. sila na ang bahala magdesisyon kung hanggang saan ng buhay natin at buhay nila ang magiging magkasama. ganun din tayo sa kanila. nasa sa atin kung hanggang kelan tayo makikisabay sa kanila.kaso hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon pareho tayo sa iniisip at gusto nila. may mga taong sawang-sawa ka na (gaya sa akin) at gusto mo nang mawala sa paningin pero para lang silang kulangot sa pader na madikit at mahirap tanggalin. may mga tao na man na gusto nating makasama pero hanggang dun nalang talaga.
wala namang permanente sa mundo. at kahit kulangot pa yan sa pader, matatanggal din yan (gaya ko).
kaya dun sa mga kasabay mo pa, matibay sila. dun sa mga umalis na, sori na lang. ganyan talaga...

i lost something. if you see it, kindly give it back.

2006-06-19T21:19:00.000+08:00

i think i dropped something.
something important.
you might not notice that i lost it but i really did.
the problem is, you can't buy it anywhere.
you can't even borrow one.
i don't think anybody would lend me anyway.
if you happen to see it, please give it back.
i'd give you anything in return.
where did i loose it?
Somewhere.
I'm not sure.
when?
sometime last summer.
how?
i took a risk.
now i have to take the consequence.
i didn't know i'd loose it.
i was too confident.
now, again, i have to take the consequence.
what was i thinking anyway.
i was decieved.
i was tricked.
yet i allowed it.
it's lost because of me.
foolish.
i am just plain foolish.

ang labing dalawang paborito kong isipin

2006-06-19T20:53:00.000+08:00

1. sya

2.Sya

3.ako

4.kayo

5.tayo

6.bakit

7.kelan

8.paano

9.nakakainis

10.gutom/uhaw

11.iyon

12.wala

wtvr

2006-05-02T23:42:00.000+08:00

whatever happened?
i was lying in my bed doing nothing. a sound came, it was my phone. somebody sent a message. shit. of all the people who could be bugging me right now, why her? i dont wanna disappoint myself again hoping that there could be something in between the message she sent:

Hi! m rili sori that i nvr snt a word bout how i am. btw, m jst round d place? wna go out? we could mit this friday!

yeah right. one of her old tricks again. just like a magicians' hanky disappearing in mid air and then right before you know it, she's at your fingertip. ill never fall for that again.

Sure!!! wer do u wanna mit?

i was trying to conserve my questions to look uninterested and also to extend our conversation as much as i can.

I dnt go out much. hve u bin to _____ mall? its quite near wer i stay.

i tried to catch a good question from my memory bank.

Owkei... so how long hav u bin here?

that was the best i can do. anyway, it worked.

Jst a wik. m rili sori i in4md u ths l8.

i hate these kind of messages. i call it the "a-message-for-you-to-think-of-another-question" message. im pretty sure you didnt get it. with these kind of messages, you are forced (not expected, but FORCED) to think of another witty question where all she have to do is send you the answer so you can ask again until you finally gfive up thinking of other worthy questions. i need to think fast.
uhhh... uhh..

Y r u hir anyway?

that was close.

jst 4 a break. actualy its part of my acad lyf. hs 2 do with my cors..

what acad life is she talking about!? since when did she leave her academics anyway? her life is her acads! this is bullshit.

I c.. hw long do u pln 2 stay hir?

well, go blame me for being this silly.

a mnth

five fuckin letters folks. why did she ever send that message anyway.

Hw do u fnd mnla?

i know. a stupid question.

gud bt f i stay a bt lnger, il dfnitly blow up! ol i do is eat. bt its trbly hot!

thank God! 3 sentences folks! thats a record! i have to keep this up!

wel i cud use som fats. im starvin to death hir.

yup i didnt ask a question hope she does.
ill just have to wait.
wait.
wait.
wait.
i had enough.

so see u on fri! ciao

im pretty sure some stupid excuse will come by thursday.

okai.see yah! God bless..

yeah right.

basta basahin mo nalang

2006-02-15T23:27:00.000+08:00

isang araw, naglalakad ka sa ilalim ng mga puno. dinadama mo ang ihip ng hangin na sumasalubong sayo. naririnig mo ang mga ibat ibang uri ng tunog mula sa kalikasan. naalala mo lahat ng maliligayang panahon na naranasan mo at unti unti kang napapangiti.

tapos bigla kang mamamatay.

ganun lang. tipong parang kumurap ka lang tapos alam mo na lang na patay kay na. syempre mabibilisan ka sa mga pangyayari. pag daraanan mo ang isang malamig at kakaibang kalungkutan.

naligaw ka na ba? yung wala kang ideya kung nasaan ka at ang mga kasama mo? malamang ganun ang mararamdaman mo. tumatakbo ka sa kawalan. wala ka namang tinatakbuhan. wala ka din namang patutunguhan. yung tipon ke tumakbo ka o hindi wala ring saysay. diba ang lungkot talaga?

balik tayo sa kwento.

eh di patay ka na nga noh. pupuntahan mo yung mga taong mahal mo. susubukan silang kausapin. yayakapin, hahalikan, hihingi ng patawad at lahat ng walang kwentang bagay. walang kwenta kasi mukha ka lang gago na pinipilit ang imposible. parang batang nag-iiiyak habang minamasdan ang tren lulan ang kanyang ina. walang magawa. mala kang magagawa.

tapos malulungkot ka nanaman. maaawa ka nanaman sa sarili mo. iiyak hahagulgol, maglululumpasay. kaso tulad ng dati, walang kwenta.

eh di magiisip ka nyan ng paraan kung pano magkakasay-say ang iyong mga ginagawa. maalala mo yung mga pelikula na may kaugnayan sa kamatayan. una mong susubukan yung sumanib sa katawan ng ibang tao. kaso matutuklasan mo na imahinasyon lang pala yun nung direktor na gumawa nung paborito mong pelikula. mapagiisip isip mo na hindi ka pa demonyo para makasapi sa ibang tao.

eh di malungkot ka uli. susunod naman eh yung kakausapin mo sila sa panaginip. sa wakas! sigurado ka na na uubra to. ikaw mismo napanaginipan mo yung lola mong namatay na kinausap ka. mag-aantay ka nalang ng gabi. medyo sumaya ka ng konti. syempre medyo lang kasi nasa isip mo parin yung ideya na patay ka na.

ayan paparating na ang oras ng pag tulog. tatabi ka sa minamahal mong ina na hanggang ngayon ay walang kamalay malay sa napaka saklap mong kalagayan. habang sya ay naiidlip, sinabi mo na mahal mo siya. hindi sya umimik. nagsalita ka uli. hindi ka parin pinansin. sinubukan mo uling pumasok sa kanyang panaginip. teka. kelan ka naman natuto pumasok sa panaginip ng may panaginip. hindi mo pa yon alam. ni hindi ka nga sigurado kung pwede eh. dumating na ang uamaga, tumilaok na ang manok, nagising na ang lahat at ni isang salita ay wala ka paring naipapahatid sa mga mahal mo sa buhay.

at ang walang katapusang tulad ng dati, malungkot ka nanaman. maawa ka ngayon sa lahat ng namatay. matinding pangungulila ang iyong pagdadaanan. pero dahil kahit mangulila ka magpakailanman, walang magbabago. kaya ititigil mo ang pagmumukmok at mag iisip.

isa nanamang magandang ideya ang parang bumbilyang sisindi sa iyong patay na kukote. maghahanap ka nang kapwa mo patay. magpapaturo ng mga kinagawiaan ika nga. hahanapin mo yung mga nauna na sayo na hindi pa pumapalangit o pumapailalim. eto na ang solusyon sa iyong pangungulila.

malas mo lang. saan ba nangaling ang ideya na nakikita ng mga kaluluwa ang kapwa nya kaluluwa? di ba sa buhay? eh di mag hahanap ka ng walang saysay nyan. ni hindi mo alam kung may hinahanap ka nga. ilang araw mo kaya maiisip na posibleng tulad ng mga buhay, hindi mo din sila nakikita? isa, dalawa? lima? walang silbi ang magbilang. kasi darating din ang panahon na mapapagtanto mo na hindi mo din sila nakikita. at hindi ka din nila makikita.

hindi ka na magmumukmok. sawa ka na eh. pero malulungkot ka parin;. maiisip mo ang napakaraming bagay na pinagsisisihan mo. mga bagay na hindi nagawa, nasabi, at hindi nakamit. pagsisisihan mo yung date nyo nung mahal mo na hindi mo sinipot dahil sa mapapabayaan mo ang iyong pag-aaral. mantakin mo nga naman. hindi mo pala yun magagamit. hindi mo pala maabot ang pangarap mo. kung ano man yon. doktor, abugado, arkitekto, manunulat, businessman, kahit ano pa yang pinaghahandaan mong kinabukasan. wala din pala. maasar ka. iisipin mo na kung alam mo lang na mamamaalam ka nang ganito kaaga eh ginawa mo na lahat ng luho mo. sayang sayang sayang.

magigising ka. panaginip pala.

ano na gagawin mo?

hulaan ko.

tulad ng dati.

walang magbabago sayo.
hindi mo parin malalaman kung ano ang mga mahahalagang bagay.

kahit alam mo na balang araw, habang buhay kang ,magdurusa.

magdurusa sa kalungkutan.
magdurusa sa panghihinayang.
basta.

subukan mo kaya

2006-02-04T18:02:00.000+08:00

nasubukan mo na bang gumising isang umaga at ang unang taong iyong nakita ay ang iyong minamahal na mahimbing ang pagkakatulog sa iyong bisig?
napakasarap...
nakatabi mo na ba ang iyong pinakamatalik na kaibigan, sabay nakikinig ng isang awitin, nakaupo sa dalampasigan, tinatanaw ang isang isla sa bughaw na dagat, ang hangin dahan-dahang umiihip sa inyong mga mukha habang pinaguusapan ang inyong mga pangarap?
walang katulad...
narinig mo na ba ang kampana ng simbahan habang ika'y naglalakad patungo sa simbang gabi?
nakakagaan ng loob...
nakapiling mo na ba ang iyong barkada sa gabi ng todos los santos sa isang lumang bahay, nagtatakutan, nagtatawanan?
hindi malilimutan...
nagawa mo na bang pumasa sa isang pagsusulit sa math ng hindi nagaaral at tatlong araw ng walang tulog?
nakakatawa...
nakapag-wala ka na ba sa videoke kasama ng iyong mga kaibigan?
nakakabaliw...
un lang

buhay tao...

2006-01-03T19:07:00.000+08:00

mhirap mag buhay tao.
sa totoo lang.
kasi madaming inaasahan sayo.

lam nyo ba yung motto na "if you please everybody, you please none"?
totoo yun.
kaso lahat ng tao gusto plineplease sila.

tapos natural na gawin mo yun.
kaso mahirap.
tapos magagalit/maiirita sila sayo.

mas madali kung gagawin mo gusto mo.
walang pakeelaman!
kanya kanyang buhay 'to eh.

kaya mahirap mag buhay tao...

Hello Me

2005-03-17T19:25:00.000+08:00

this is a story about a boy

around ten years ago, a boy of eight thought, "who am i ten years from now. will i still look the same. would i still act the same way as i do now? will i still like the same things? will i still hate the same things? what would change of me? will i still be me?" then the boy thought, "if i meet my self when i'm eighteen, what would i say to him?"

"hello me."

the boy look behind him. he saw this man, he wondered where he had seen him. he looked so familiar yet so strange. the boy began thinking, "who is he? is he talking to me?"

"yes, im talking to you. i am you."

suddenly, the boy got scared. he was sure he never spoke a word yet the strange familiar answered his questions. "how did he do that?"

"simple, i had been in your position ten years ago. i remembered everything i felt the first time i met you and me."

still in shock, the boy could not believe. he have been a wide dreamer but never he thought a dream like this would come.

"it is because this is not a dream."

gathering all his guts, the boy manage to speak. "hello... me...?"

"ha ha ha"

the man laughed. a laughter the boy knew so well. for it was his. then, he started laughing with the man who calls himself you. the boy asked the man, "if i am you ten years from now, do i still, i mean, do you still, i mean, do we still like the same things and do we still hate the same things?"

"find out for yourself."

the boy began thinking about things he like. he thought of cartoons.

"i'm not that so much fond of cartoons. but i still do watch them.'

the boy said, "that's strange, i will always be fond of cartoons."

the man just smiled.

then the boy said, "how about playing? if i am you, i'm sure you still play taguan (hide and seek) and other street games."

"i still do play but on very rare occassions. only when time permits."

"what do you mean 'time permits'?"

"i have better things to do than play taguan or any game for that matter. there are works to be done. scholl duties to be finished."

again, the boy thought this man is indeed strrange for he had sworn to himself that he will always have time to play. then he said, "how about food? if i am you, i'm sure you don't eat vegetables. they're yucky."

"actually, i still hate some vegetables. but i managed and learned to eat them during college."

a scratch from the head was the boy's reply. he would never eat those things. his parents would always have to bribe or force him to eat the food, or so they think. he had devised methods on cheating on his parents like not swallowing the food and spitting it afterwards or tricks like telling his parents that he will eat it at the living room then throwing it at the dog house once they're not looking. but he always managed to get himself caught. realizing that he had been thinking too much, he told the man, "do you still cry out loud whenever our parents, especially papa beats you or me so that they would turn soft and spare you?"

"i dont get beaten anymore. it's worse than that. if they get mad, i have to suffer their unending litany of criticism. yada yada yada..."

"isn't that better than getting a belt hit your butt?"

"when you grow up you'll understand."

the boy smiled. he knew he'll never understand. then he said, "hey mister, i have to go now. sorry if i can't stay any longer. bye! nice meeting yah!"

"bye me."

humping around the boy laughed. he laughed from the heart like he had never laughed before. He had just found out that the man he was talking to was not himself. aside from the obvious reason that it is impossible, he was so sure of himself that he will never change. he will still like cartoons and play games at the street. he will always hate vegetables and getting scolded. He will never tell anyone about the psycho he just met. he'll just get rid of him from his mind.

from a far, the man watched the boy. he smiled. then his phone beeped.

message:
from: boss
u nid 2 get bck in r wrld.
f u mis it, ul be stuckd
ther 4 a long tym. call
ths # 2 get hir.
end of message

then his phone rang. his boss is calling. he pressed the switch to turn it off.

"at least something never changed. i'm still as stubborn as before."

signing off...

what is going on my mind right now

2005-03-10T17:08:00.000+08:00

my brain is dying from migrain. all senses of mine are malfunctioning. but why the hell am i still writing this stupid words coming out of my collapsing psychotic brain? because i want to. i just want to. after living this day, i am glad i am about to rest. works for the day is done and by my own free will, at last, i could just lay down and play dead. wait. could i actually do that? no. there are things i still have to complete before i rest, missions still yet to be accomplised. departure from the real world is not now but later. why do people have to do what they have to do if they know for a fact that they are gonna die one way or another? is it because they have to do that in order to live? but if that is the case, then why do people have to do what they have to do just because they want to live knowing they're gonna die? is it because they want to live for pleasure? but if that is the case, why do people have to do what they have to do even if they do not like it just because they have to do that in order to live even though they know that they will die just for their own pleasure? isn't it contradicting if you're gonna do something you do not like just to be happy? i guess it all falls back on which what you want more. prefer choosing what you do not like just to have what you want or choosing not to do what you do not like even sacrificing what you want. pepole, this is about doing and getting what you want. what you want is what is important. but that is not that simple. facts like "things not being meant for you" or facts like "this is not the right time" always comes up. i know i am talking nonsense right now but this is what i want. even though this infected thing inside my skull is against what i want. i still keep on doing this. just for the pleasure of living

or maybe...

i am just out of my mind rigt now.

signing off...